August 3, 2011

So,

I think I want to talk about relationships today. I know, it's a step outside the box from my typical cosmetic hauls/reviews.

Although, before we begin, I did go to the Container Store today and I got some nice things. Nothing too exciting, though. Just a couple lipstick containers and a brush holder thingy. I also got the acrylic tote organizer thing but I thought it was gonna 7.99...turns out it was 19.99...I don't think it's worth that much so I may return that piece.

So yeah, back to relationships...

Well, I'm dating this guy currently. What shall I name him on here? How about Waylan. (I'm picking the name Waylan because I just watched a video by TiffanyD and her dog is named Waylan...so cute.) Anyway, he's absolutely amazing. The only "thing" is that he's a little bit older than me...like, 19 years older than me. Which, in all honestly, I don't really care too much about. He's hot, he's got his shit together, he's not some jackass, and he's amazingly sweet. And we seem to have a lot in common. And we are terribly attracted to each other.

He's very realistic and practical. He's also very honest. He just got out of an 8-year (on and off) relationship, so, really, he's not in the best of emotional places right now.

So, my concern is that...well, am I just here to help through this tough and lonely time of his life? And then when he's healed from the hurt that came upon him, will he decide to leave me? I've brought these concerns to him before (because we have a very open and honest relationship where we can really talk about anything, no matter how awkward is gets) and he, of course, continues on to assure me that I'm not just some chick or some rebound (because, well, we haven't had any sex and I think that if this were the case, it would have happened at this point), but what bothers me is that he says "let's just go with the flow" a lot. That's very non-committal to me. But should I be searching for some kind of "commitment"? Perhaps not. Commitment is such a scary word isn't it? If you wanna make a guy run for the hills, just bring this word up. How sad. You know how this makes me feel? Honestly, it's very unnerving. It's saddening. It makes me feel very insecure...like, at any given moment, on any whim, no matter how slight, this could all shatter. I feel very out of control, and I don't like it.

But what's wrong with me? I mean, really, it goes both ways. If I woke up one morning and decided that I didn't want him anymore, I have the option of walking away, of never responding to another text message, of completely cutting Waylan out of my life completely without a moment's notice. That would drive anyone insane...to be rejected without reason. I think the difference is that I don't have any plans to just up and walk away...I play for keeps, and I don't put in effort into something transient. It's a waste of my time and affections. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that, by him keeping the theoretical door very open, he's implying that it will happen. I mean, if you don't expect it to rain, why would you carry around an umbrella? But then again, maybe he looks at it as if it's a "just in case" thing. Like, why would you keep a fire extinguisher in the house? it's not like you expect your house to catch fire, right?

Hmm...I suppose that I should look at things this way. I'm 23, I'm fairly attractive (at least I think so) and I'm not really all that bad. I have a lot going for me, I suppose. If something disastrous were to take place, I think that I could bounce back fairly quickly.

I'm pretty sure I just need to disconnect a little bit. Perhaps I should not make such an emotional investment in someone who, I feel, could potentially jump ship at any time. He's already primed me by some of our conversation....

I don't know. I just wish I could tell the future. Where's a psychic when you need one?